Friday, March 25, 2011

The Only Season that Matters

Yes, it's that time of the year again. The end of March is the beginning of the end of the NHL regular season. This of course means the playoffs are right around the corner. As a fan of the San Jose Sharks I absolutely despise this time of the year. Why you ask? For very obvious reasons. The Sharks have never won a Stanley Cup. I mean, what meaning does the Stanley Cup playoffs have if the Sharks have never won? To Sharks fans, the playoffs have absolutely no point. Playoffs should be completely ignored and shouldn't even matter to a Sharks fan. Everybody knows that history repeats itself. Looking at history, the Stanley Cup will never be in San Jose.

Year after year, fans put blind faith into this team that faces an impossible task. This phenomenon takes place after the regular season. Guess what, that's my other least favorite part of the year. Yeah sure, it has "tons of action" with the Sharks winning lots of games. But what's funny about this thing, the regular season doesn't matter at all. You don't win a trophy for being the best regular season team. Well, actually you win the Presidents Trophy but nobody cares about that. The regular season means nothing to the record books, only what happens in the playoffs. Yeah, please point out Joe Thornton winning the Hart or Jonathan Cheechoo winning the Richard. It's all crap and meaningless.

If I hate the playoffs and regular season so much, why the hell am I a Sharks fan? I will tell you why. I love it for the action that takes place on the ice. I love hockey and games that I can buy tickets for cheap. The games are played with little expectations and with 3/4ths of fans in attendance. There are enormous amounts of fights taking place and there are high goal scoring rates. Rookies battle it out to see who is the best. Douglas Murray scores hat tricks and Kent Huskins makes Ryane Clowe bleed. Yeah, tell me where else I can get this thrill from watching hockey.

This type of hockey only takes place in the only season that matters: The Pre-season

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Antti Niemi: Tragic Hero (minus the hero part)

On September 2nd of 2010 Antti Niemi signed with the San Jose Sharks. Nearly all Sharks fans had their doubts about this. It made no sense, it was already decided that Antero Nittymaki was going to be part of a tandem with Thomas Greiss. The move to sign Niemi didn't seem to improve the Sharks, a lateral move at best. A move to add a defenseman, a position of need, never came. Fans saw an opportunity to improve the team but with Niemi taking up cap space, that opportunity was not realistic. It was a baffling situation.

Today, in February, we find out these doubts still hold. Niemi has been awful. He has been playing just as everybody has expected him to; huge rebounds and depending on the teams defense. Sure, sure please throw out those stats that suggest he has been completely outplaying Niittymaki. Those numbers mean nothing. It's much too big to be a coincidence that when the Sharks lose a game with Niemi, it's his fault and when the Sharks win, it's because the team in front plays well.

Niemi isn't what you call a "team player." He's not somebody you want to play for. Obviously there's some ill-will towards Niemi after he beat the Sharks last season in the playoffs. It's clear in the concrete stats of wins and losses. Ok, maybe Niemi has 20 wins but he also has 15 losses (!!!). Niittymaki on the other hand only has 6. This gives some indication on how the team feels about him. When he's in net, the Sharks don't want to score goals. Clear as that. Now I don't want to start any baseless speculation or conspiracy theories but I'm guessing it's obvious that Niemi is a locker-room cancer, more so than Dany Heatley.

Despite Niemi's many shortcomings, he does prove well in one regard. He has a history of being offensively gifted, and he has shown this in the 1 assist he has recorded. It came on the power play too. Guess how many points Niittymaki has. It's a big fat zero, the only area Niitty has been disappointing. Also, even though they didn't play together, it seems like Niitty learned something from Brad Staubitz; taking dumb penalties. He has 2 PIM so far this season. At least Niemi has none.

So, what should the Sharks do about this situation? Trade, waive, do whatever to Niemi so he's not on the team anymore. The team has so much depth, literally anyone in the entire organization could do better than him in goal. And yes, that includes Jonathan Cheechoo who should be up with the big club when underachievers like Devin Setoguchi and Jamie McGinn are (I'll save that argument for another post).

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Why you should fear Joe Thornton as Captain

We all knew this day was coming. IT was going to happen. It was just a matter of when.

(photoshop of Joe at the apocalypse).

Yes. Joe Thornton is now captain of the San Jose Sharks. Yes, be worried. Why? Let me tell you a story of what happens when somebody becomes Captain.

We'll name this guy "Player A."

Um, totally forgot I was working on this piece from October. All I know is that I had great fantastic amazing thoughts to put down, but forgot what they were. Posting this because... why not.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

RFA Devin Setoguchi Re-signs with the Sharks

Today Devin Setoguchi re-signed with the Sharks for $1.8 million on a one year deal. This figure appeared surprisingly low for the up and coming right winger. In his sophomore season he scored 31 goals on the top line. This last season he scored only 20 after being slowed down by injuries. It was believed that he would sign around 2.00-3.00MM. Instead the former first-round pick signed for 1.8MM. Shocking.

Actually no. Not really.

Just one month ago Sharks defensman Niclas Wallin was re-signed to a contract with a 2.5MM cap hit. Yes, a surprising number at the time. Why would the Sharks pay so much for what appears to be a lower line defenseman? Also why would the Sharks trade a 2nd round pick for him?

Were facing a lot of questions here. However when you think about it, it really makes a whole lot of sense.

Before you start reading this, let's make sure you're not in a stressful situation. The next part is MIND-BLOWING.

First question: Why is Niclas Wallin valued so much by the Sharks?

One word, HAMBURGERS. Wallin is notoriously known as an avid hamburger lover. But what does Hamburgers have to do with this? Everything (duh). He came at a high cost for a second round pick for a reason. The Hurricanes valued him for a lot and weren't letting him get away easy. You see, Wallin owned a burger joint in Raleigh. This burger joint was very important for the area. That is why when you google "Niclas Wallin burger joint raleigh" nothing shows up. These people were all very attached and couldn't move on so easily, so they deleted all traces to it.

Second question:
Why is Wallin being paid so much?

As you know, Wallin's burger joint had many fans. When they learned that the place was closing down they became angry, and I mean ANGRY. Let's just say they hypothetically threatened to do horrific things to Wallin and the people he knows. If Wallin hypothetically wanted to get rid of these people, he would have to hypothetically need a lot of money to hypothetically make these people "quietly disappear." This is all hypothetical of course.

Third question
: Why is Devin Setoguchi being paid so little?

He's actually a really good guy. Kind of a douche, but a good guy (I mean there's a reason he's known as Devin the Douche). He heard about Wallin's trouble and decided to ask Doug Wilson if there was a way he could help out. Being Devin the Douche, he's been in a lot of similar situations. Most of which, your mother would not approve of. He took a huge discount so Wallin could solve his troubles. He actually asked for a league minimum contract but DW decided that would make him look to good so he gave him 1.8MM.

Understand people? This situation was a thinker, but it just makes too much sense. Now if Wallin wasn't such a burger-addict, his and Seto's contracts would have been reversed. So in the end, well played Sharks!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Chicago is stupid.

I'm not going to sit here and brainlessly point out Chicago Blackhawks's flaws—we all know it has them—but I am going to say a little about how Chicago Blackhawks is intellectually dishonest in everything it says and does. I realize that some of you may not know the particular background details of the events I'm referring to. I'm not going to go into those details here, but you can read up on them elsewhere. Am I angry? You bet. Chicago Blackhawks has no conception of our moral and ethical standards. I trust that I have not shocked any of you by writing that. However, I do realize that some of my readers may feel that much of what I have penned about Chicago Blackhawks in this letter is heartless and in violation of our Christian duty to love everyone. If so, I can say only that an injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere. Keep that in mind the next time you catch Chicago Blackhawks nurturing the seeds of our eventual destruction so that they grow like a rapidly malignant mutant form of kudzu.

The baneful nature of Chicago Blackhawks's commentaries is not just a rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify. Once again, Chicago Blackhawks could use some etiquette lessons. In reaching that conclusion I have made the usual assumption that its bedfellows can't defend their insinuations. I will now cite the proof of that statement. The proof begins with the observation that we ought to break the neck of Chicago Blackhawks's policy of favoritism once and for all. That'll make Chicago Blackhawks think once—I would have said "twice" but I don't see any indication that it has previously given any thought to the matter—before trying to rouse the agitated petite bourgeoisie to chauvinistic fervor and hoodwink them into transforming our whole society to suit its own antihumanist interests. I'm convinced that Chicago Blackhawks will put the prisoners in charge of running the prison one of these days. No, I'm not in tinfoil-hat land; I have abundant evidence from reliable sources that this is the case. For instance, Chicago Blackhawks accuses me of being narrow-minded. Does it maintain I'm narrow-minded because I refuse to accept its claim that inane, mingy spoiled brats have dramatically lower incidences of cancer, heart attacks, heart disease, and many other illnesses than the rest of us? If so, then I guess I'm as narrow-minded as I could possibly be.

How on earth these vagabonds can think of themselves as anything but hypocritical, logorrheic jackanapes is beyond me. You should never forget the three most important facets of Chicago Blackhawks's tricks, namely their officious origins, their internal contradictions, and their tendentious nature. Not to change the subject or anything, but Chicago Blackhawks never tires of trying to extinguish fires with gasoline. It presumably hopes that the magic formula will work some day. In the meantime, it seems to have resolved to learn nothing from experience, which tells us that its idiotic claim that it has answers to everything is just that, an idiotic claim. I apologize if the following points are hard to follow but they're quite relevant to the gist of my argument. First, investigators who have spent many years attempting to penetrate the dark recesses of Chicago Blackhawks's bumptious underworld frequently conclude that I am disgusted by Chicago Blackhawks's overweening displays of moral leprosy. And second, Chicago Blackhawks is slated for an unwept grave. All of this means, of course, that by allowing Chicago Blackhawks to grasp at straws, trying to find increasingly cacodemonic ways to get people to vote against their own self-interests, we are allowing it to play puppet master. And there you have it. Debate with Chicago Blackhawks or a search for common ground is both a fruitless exercise and a suicidal strategy.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Adventure of the Day: Pain

The following takes place between 9:10 AM and 10:00 AM

9:10 Off to PE! My favorite class. It's really just recess but for high school.

9:13 We're playing dodgeball? Awesome.

9:25 God I'm such a good dodgeball player. I'm awesome. I love myself so much.

9:30 So yeah you're gonna stand two feet away with me with a ball huh? Well I have a ball too. I'm gonna wait for you to throw, I'll dodge, and get you out.

9:30 and 5 seconds later OWWWWWWWWWWWW. Did I really get hit in the balls by a kid who sucks at dodgeball? Walk it off, no one saw.

9:35 So yeah I'm okay now. Let's just focus on winning another game now.

9:40 Ooh look at this guy. He thinks he's good. Probably thinks he can get me out. Ball me Blazer!

9:41 Okay I got a ball now but another kid is standing right in front of me. Oh look that guy throws the ball, damn he's probably going to hit that kid right in the face. Whoa I'm right behind him, I should dodge too.

9:41 and 2 seconds later WOW REALLY? AGAIN? OWWWWWWWWWWWW HOW'D THAT EVEN HIT ME? It was going to hit the other kid in the face and all of a sudden it takes a dip and hits me in the nuts again.

9:43 Oh awesome the teacher is making fun of me now.

10:00 PE is over. Carry on with your day now.

Today wasn't very fun. I was going to try to make this related to the Sharks but I give up. Closest I can get is Sharks got kicked in the nuts twice yesterday.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Excellent Journalism: Why don't we see it more often?

Everyone look at this picture:

Look at it for ten seconds, get a good look. Think about it for a little more.This right here is a man of brilliance. He recently wrote an article for the Denver Post about the San Jose Sharks. Now, I often read about the Sharks at websites such as Fear the Fin, Couch Tarts, Working the Corners, just to name a few. However they all lack something. They just don't get it. Kiszla (who's name is to weird to spell and now will be referred to as "Kizzy") understands. He see's things other people don't. And what he does see... it's great. Take a look at the article, you'll see.
Not only does this man "get it," he knows how to write. He writes compelling arguments that knock my socks off (so much, I used the phrase "Knocks my socks off").

Take a look.
Argument:

So you gotta love Avalanche coach Joe Sacco for messing with the heads of players in San Jose, which might be the most feeble-minded team in pro hockey.


Evidence:

"We are the underdog, no question. I think the pressure is on San Jose," Sacco said Monday. "If you look at the last few years, (the Sharks) haven't met their expectations as a team. I think they had higher expectations than what they've achieved. And it's going to be our job this year to try to make sure that happens again."

You see, when asked a question about the Sharks, their opponent, Colorado coach Joe Sacco responded by giving a brief explanation about the team and pointed out he wants to win. Seriously, who does that?! People like Kizzy see what's really going on. By answering a question about the Sharks, Sacco is actually trying to get inside the minds of the Sharks.



This has been working out quite well actually. Here is a quote from Ryane Clowe, a right-winger for the Sharks:

“If they’re thinking that way, they’re in trouble probably,” he said. “It’s mo re them trying to get any edge they can and get in our head a bit. It means no difference to us. You’re in trouble if that’s going to effect you." -WTC

As old McDonald used to say, BINGO! This psychological warfare is already wearing down the Sharks. By saying he doesn’t care about what Colorado says, he really means he does. Sacco’s attempts to bring down the Sharks are working. Ryane Clowe is denying this because he is too afraid of facing the Avs.

Here is another example of Kizzy’s excellence:

In the name of accuracy, San Jose really should adopt an alternative uniform in April.

Dump that teal sweater with a shark chomping a hockey stick. That mean image doesn't fit the joke that San Jose becomes when the games really matter.

Wouldn't it be more appropriate if San Jose star Joe Thornton took the ice against Colorado while wearing an orange-and-white uniform featuring a cuddly cartoon from "Finding Nemo" as the team logo?

Can I get an AMEN. Having a NHL team named the Sharks is absolutely ridiculous. When people list things they’re afraid of, Sharks are usually at the end of the list. Who would have a phobia of Sharks? Living in California I can tell you one thing, when I go to the beach, nobody is afraid of Sharks.


To help his point Kizzy references Finding Nemo. YES. Too many Hollywood movies have been made about cute-cuddly Sharks. Want another example?

Shark Tale. Boom roasted.


Honestly, being a Sharks fan having to face the Avs worry me. Avalanches are one of my biggest fears. I cannot tell you how many times I wake up in the middle of the night fearing an avalanche fall on me. I have seen far too many horror movies about avalanches. There are way more scary movies about avalanches than about sharks. Everyone, please. Try to think about a scary movie about the sharks. Give it a few seconds. Yeah that’s right, none. Only thing that comes to your mind is Shark Tale.


Photo from Flickr


Look at these ridiculous Sharks fans doing a “chomp” to the music of what I believe to be from Shark Tale.


I could go on and on about the brilliance of Kizzy. After reading an article like this I always ask myself, “Why can’t more people be like this?”

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Logan Couture ♥

He really is that cool.


Also: TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH

Monday, April 5, 2010

April

It's that time again. Every year we get ready for this. The whole season comes down to this, the very end. The moment everyone is waiting for. And every year the Sharks lose

and win. Yes, I'm talking about the last few games of the regular season.

These games are so meaningless, yet matter so much. (Wait, what?)

Three more games remain and us Sharks fans are getting nervous. I mean it's only natural right? I keep trying to remember what Sharks hockey in the playoffs is like but I can't. I've blocked it out of my memory so I have no recollection on what actually goes on.

Back to the point. Why are we nervous and anxious? The Sharks right now aren't playing 100% awesome. They're playing okay. Not great or even fantastical. We wonder if they can "turn it on" during the playoffs.

Even if the Sharks were playing fantastical I bet we would still be nervous and anxious. The question would be, "Can the Sharks keep it up in the playoffs?"

And now to the conclusion of the post, the main point: The end of the regular season sucks.

The playoffs are around and we've been waiting for it the whole season! We want everything to go perfect. Imagine winning that... thing.

Well I've thought this through and tried to figure out a solution. Interestingly enough I've got one!

Make the season 102 games long. Schedule it and everything. Then, when you get to the 80 game mark or so, call for the end of the regular season! Yes! It makes so much sense. We won't have to deal with this stuff anymore.

I know, I know. Besides this being a brilliantly awesome idea, it is extremely stupid. BUT, it is so stupid Gary Bettman might consider it (Insult Bettman? Check).

Monday, March 22, 2010

Breaking News

The Sharks are not good for my mental health.

They're like uppers and downers.

They make me extremely happy at times.

They are also make me very sad at times.

At least I'm not taking the uppers and downers at the same time.

Hopefully they make me feel better from now on.

This post was not intended to be poetic. If it seems that way... cool. I wrote a notverygood poem.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Funny Story

My family is full of Sharks fans. I have three sisters. My oldest sister is a season ticket holder. My youngest sister is crazy like me. My other sister? She's a puck bunny (A case could be made for the other two, but it doesn't matter for this story).

So the puck bunny mentioned above was wandering about in Santana Row a few weeks ago, when she saw Brad Staubitz. He's her favorite player so she was pretty excited. He was headed to the gym when she approached him and asked to take a picture. He gladly agreed and she had his friend take the picture.

Well fast forward to yesterday morning. My youngest sister and I were reading Ask The Sharks with Jamie McGinn. The puck bunny one glanced by and just said, "Oh my God oh my god oh my God." We're like, "You like this one too?" She says, "No, I think that was Brad Staubitz's friend."

Yes you read this right. Not only did my sister get a picture with Brad Stuabitz, she made Jamie McGinn take it.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Top 5 things I have learned from Bleacher Report

5. Evgeni Nabokov will never win in the playoffs. It's impossible. Even if he wins.
4. Logan Couture is already a bust (He won't play for the Sharks because centers Joe Pavelski, Torrey Mitchell, Manny Malhotra, and Scott Nichol will be blocking the way in the future).
3. Dan Boyle, Scott Nichol, and Joe Pavelski are the only players on the Sharks with a heart.*
2. Unless you're Dan Boyle, you will suck at being a Captain (really! Rob Blake is already a bad Captain).
1. Patrick Marleau is the reason for all Sharks early exits from the playoffs.

*This is mentioned by many places aside from Bleacher Report. I have pondered why this idea exists. I believe this idea stems from the Little Guy Illusion.

The Little Guy Illusion isn't actually anything (yet). It is a theory I have come up with to explain the phenomenon of shorter guys who are said to show more hustle and heart than guys that are taller. Since little guys have shorter legs, they are forced to take more strides giving the illusion that they are hustling. One adverse effect of the illusion is taller guys look like they aren't hustling.

This theory is still being tested (in my head) but it seems fairly logical to me.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

When the Sharks Lose...

IT SHOWS HOW THIS TEAM HAS ABSOLUTELY ZERO HEART. THEY ARE COMPLETELY EMOTIONLESS. THEY'RE A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHOKERS. THEY WILL NEVER WIN THE STANLEY CUP WITH THIS TEAM.

But

When the Sharks win...

Oh yeah that's cool, it doesn't matter though. Regular season doesn't mean anything, everything counts in the playoffs. Patrick Marleau played in his 900th game? Totally meaningless with no Cup.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Conversation's with Crazy People: Dany Heatley, Bryan Murray, and some dude from California

Remember that conversation I had with Dany Heatley a while back? Yeah it turns out something else went on. I was recently watching a Sharks game against the Blues and some dude wearing #15. I was kinda confused because no one on the Sharks wears that number right? Nope turns out someone does. I went to SJSharks.com and turns out Dany Heatley broke a promise to me. Dany Heatley is playing for the Sharks. That lying jerk... grrr. So I called him up after the game (#2 on speed dial whatup) and asked him what went on. He revealed how this stuff happened. On this journey he came across several people (okay just Doug Wilson and Bryan Murray).

Here's how his journey went on.

Dany Heatley in his locker room while with the Sens (Yes he had his own locker room because nobody liked him):

Dany Heatley: You know what Dany?
Dany Heatley: What?
Dany Heatley: You're fucking awesome.
Dany Heatley: Dude I know, riiight!
Dany Heatley: You don't want to play with the Sens anymore. Their friggin' team name is Senators! I feel like you want to play for a team with a name of an animal, that is located on the West Coast, and most likely teal is there color!
Dany Heatley: Dude! That's brilliant! Wait what's a West Coast? They make that?
Dany Heatley: Oh it's just the other side of the country. Apparently people play hockey there, but I don't believe it.
Dany Heatley: Oh... hey that sounds like a good idea I suppose.
Dany Heatley: How are we going to make this happen?
Dany Heatley: I wonder...
Both Dany Heatley's at the same time: DEMAND A TRADE!!
Dany Heatley: Privately though right?
Dany Heatley: Most definitely.

Somewhere in Canada. Dany Heatley with Bryan Murray:

Dany Heatley: Hey whats up.
Bryan Murray: Not much. you?
Dany Heatley: Nothing really. The end of the season bores me. I've just been playing golf and stuff. I think I'm going to demand a trade.
Bryan Murray: Aw sweet! That's great. No one here likes you! OMG OMG OMG this is so great you want to leave.
Dany Heatley: Thanks?
Bryan Murray: Alright I'll go ask around too see if I could work a trade.
Dany Heatley: Okay, get back to me.
Bryan Murray: Oh yeah I'm going to accidentally have some leak this news so everyone hates you.
Dany Heatley: You mean hate me even more because I awesome right?
Bryan Murray: Er... yeah.

Somewhere in the Western Hemisphere Doug Wilson and Bryan Murray

Bryan Murray: Want that Dany Heaterly guy??
Doug Wilson: Sure why not. I'll buy low.
Bryan Murray: Okay I want Marleau, Setoguchi, and a first rounder
Doug Wilson: Is it fine if I give you a Michalek, Cheechoo, and a second rounder?
Bryan Murray: Sure whatevs. Dany Heatley isn't going to be on the Sens anymore!
Doug Wilson: Wait whys that a good thing? I hear he's okay at hockey.
Bryan Murray: He's a locker room cancer. He makes the team worse!
Doug Wilson: OK you believe that...

Dany Heatley enters... where ever they are

Bryan Murray: So uh yeah. Dany you're going to play for that one west coast team.
Dany Heatley: Wait what seriously? I wonder what that's going to be like.
Doug Wilson: Hey broski! Dude the San Jose Sharks are totally rad man. After every game we melt the ice and go surfing. It so sunny man. We have to like wear sunglasses all the time because it's so sunny. Even during games. Also there are tanning beds we don't need but use them anyway.
Dany Heatley: Sounds nice, eh?
Doug Wilson: Yeah man totally. Also some guy named Joe Thornton plays here. He's pretty good.
Dany Heatley: But not as good as me right?
Doug Wilson: Hey man I don't know. He's really good.
Dany Heatley: I don't know about that trade then...

Bryan Murray pulls Doug Wilson aside

Bryan Murray: DOUGIE! What the hell are you doing!
Doug Wilson: Telling it like it is.
Bryan Murray: Well stop. Dany wants to know he's the best.

Dany Heatley rejoins in

Doug Wilson: So what I was saying is Joe Thornton sucks really bad. You're the best on the team.
Dany Heatley: Really? I think I like this trade. HELLO... city? wait where's this team?
Doug Wilson: San Jose. It's in Calif- nevermind. Wait before you leave man, I need you to do one thing.
Dany Heatley: What? It better not involve backchecking.
Doug Wilson: No not really. Just play really good hockey.
Dany Heatley: Okay I will because I'm Dany Fucking Heatley.

Disclaimer: This conversation never happened (in real life).