Thursday, August 20, 2009

ZOMG New Layout!!!!1!!11

CALM YOURSELVES PEOPLE!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wild (hockey) Fantasy O' Mine

You know, it's the offseason. For most hockey fans its a time of boredom. A lot of bloggers fill up this time with Rosterbation. But not me. I'm nothing like that. I prefer to Roster-rape. You heard me right. Let's get this thing started.

San Jose Sharks. Let's look at the lines as of now:

Patrick Marleau-Joe Thornton-Devin Setoguchi
Milan Michalek-Joe Pavelski-Ryane Clowe
Jamie McGinn-Torrey Mitchell-Jonathan Cheechoo
Jody Shelley-Scott Nichol-Brad Staubitz

Evgeni Nabokov-Thomas Greiss

Now that's my preferred lines if the Sharks don't make anymore moves. Sadly that's over the cap. Sharks will have to make a move. Here's a list of something that will happen (in my world):
  1. Milan Michalek for Alex Ovechkin? Seems fair to me.
  2. Ryane Clowe for Zach Parise? Okay then.
  3. Jonathan Cheechoo for Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg? Only if you say so.
  4. Thomas Greiss for Steve Mason? Alrighty.
  5. Torrey Mitchell for Corey Perry? It'll make sense in a minute.
So now the lines will look like this:

Alex Ovechkin-Joe Thornton-Zach Parise
Patrick Marleau-Joe Pavelski-Pavel Datsyuk
Jamie McGinn-Henrik Zetterberg-Devin Setoguchi
Jody Shelley-Scott Nichol-Crey Perry
Brad Staubitz

Evgeni Nabokov-Thomas Greiss

(There's no defense because I forgot about it I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT GOSH! So just plug in Sharks regular D)

So after reading this your first thought is, "THIS IS FREAKIN' GENIUS." After that you think, "What the hell is this mess. There's something called a salary cap." Well that's why I traded for Corey Perry. We'll have him stir up shit up in Bettman's office, and Gary will then forget about the Cap. Then Perry is immediately released and Brad Stuabitz takes his place.

With this San Jose Sharks team, they would be unstoppable. And if you're sill wondering why the other teams gave up their players? Well, they just got Roster-raped.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

MORE DANY HEATLEY RUMORS!

Just kidding, those have died down. Want to know why? Here's a good mediocre story:

People often ask what I like to do in my free time. I respond by saying, "talking to crazy people of course!" I talk to these crazy people about hockey. Today I talked to several people. Here they are:

Nobody:
Everybody:
Dany Heatley:And of course... me:Unknown Location

Dany Heatley: Who are you! And why are you in this unknown location?!
Me: Oh I just like to hang out here.
Dany Heatley: Okie dokie. Who are you again?
Me: I'm just a big Sharks fan.
Dany Heatley: I see...
Me: So... uh whats up?
Dany Heatley: Nothing really. I've been bored so I decided to mess with people.
Me: How so?
Dany Heatley: Ah, just demanding a few trades here and there.
Me: Dany, if you're going to act like this, nobody is going to like you.

Nobody enters the Unknown Location

Nobody:
You know Dany... I've been noticing you around.
Dany Heatley: wtf?
Nobody: I really like you.
Dany Heatley: Thanks a lot man!
Me: I wouldn't really like it if nobody liked me.
Dany Heatley: You're just jealous nobody doesn't like you.
Me: Of course nobody doesn't like you. They had a huge fight a while ago.
Dany Heatley: okay... I'm confused now.
Me: No, you're Dany Heatley.
Dany Heatley: This isn't funny anymore.
Me: Who's this?
Dany Heatley: Is this why everybody hates you?

Everybody enters the Unknown Location

Everybody: Actually Dany, I really like me. He's awesome.
Dany Heatley: Okay, okay, okay. I've had enough with this! You said you were a Sharks fan correct?
Me: Yup.
Dany Heatley: I'm going to stop demanding a trade now just so I won't be traded to the Sharks, because I'd hate my life if you were a fan of a team I'm on.
Me: Alright.
Everybody: Woohoo! No Dany Heatley on the Sharks!
Nobody: But I really like Dany.

And THAT is how I convinced Dany Heatley NOT to go to the Sharks.

This post was inspired by the Plank dude.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Good Bye Jeremy Roenick.

Today Jeremy Roenick officially announced his retirement. One of the greatest American-born hockey players is to play no more. Lucky for us fans JR is probably still going to be around. He said he might be on some shows or something and possibly be a studio analyst for CSN Bay Area (which would be awesome). And I'm sure he'd be on Dancing with the Stars (the only reason I'd ever watch that show).

As a San Jose Sharks fan I feel very lucky to have seen JR play. He is simply, just awesome. I was lucky enough to see his 500th goal, which was the most odd goal I've ever seen. I was even luckier to see Game 7 of the Sharks vs. Flames series in which he had 2 goals and 2 assists.

Let's just commemorate Jeremy Roenick's career by watching 500:

Saturday, August 1, 2009

An in-depth look at Dany Heatly

(yes I do realize that the title is spelled wrong)

Recently there have been plenty of rumors of Dany Heatley is on his way to the San Jose Sharks. Since this post is about Dany Heatley I'm going to spell his last name as "Heatly" because that E is annoying me and I don't really feel like typing it. So about those Heatly rumors... Some say a trade package involving Christian Ehrhoff, Jonathan Cheechoo, or even Captain Patrick Marleau *GASP* might be going to Ottawa. Let's take a look at the Pros and Cons of a trade involving Heatly.

PROS:
  • The Sharks would get Dany Heatly
CONS:
  • The Sharks would get Dany Heatly
So if the Sharks do in fact trade for Dany Heatly they would probably lose a player or something and Dany Heatly would be on the Sharks. If they don't trade for him, he probably won't be on the team.

Pretty interesting, eh?

Oh, and IFTT is going to be pretty awesome during August. Nothing like that crappy-1-post-July. Not that I have anything planned or something like that..... (really I don't)