Sunday, December 6, 2009

When the Sharks Lose...

IT SHOWS HOW THIS TEAM HAS ABSOLUTELY ZERO HEART. THEY ARE COMPLETELY EMOTIONLESS. THEY'RE A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHOKERS. THEY WILL NEVER WIN THE STANLEY CUP WITH THIS TEAM.

But

When the Sharks win...

Oh yeah that's cool, it doesn't matter though. Regular season doesn't mean anything, everything counts in the playoffs. Patrick Marleau played in his 900th game? Totally meaningless with no Cup.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Conversation's with Crazy People: Dany Heatley, Bryan Murray, and some dude from California

Remember that conversation I had with Dany Heatley a while back? Yeah it turns out something else went on. I was recently watching a Sharks game against the Blues and some dude wearing #15. I was kinda confused because no one on the Sharks wears that number right? Nope turns out someone does. I went to SJSharks.com and turns out Dany Heatley broke a promise to me. Dany Heatley is playing for the Sharks. That lying jerk... grrr. So I called him up after the game (#2 on speed dial whatup) and asked him what went on. He revealed how this stuff happened. On this journey he came across several people (okay just Doug Wilson and Bryan Murray).

Here's how his journey went on.

Dany Heatley in his locker room while with the Sens (Yes he had his own locker room because nobody liked him):

Dany Heatley: You know what Dany?
Dany Heatley: What?
Dany Heatley: You're fucking awesome.
Dany Heatley: Dude I know, riiight!
Dany Heatley: You don't want to play with the Sens anymore. Their friggin' team name is Senators! I feel like you want to play for a team with a name of an animal, that is located on the West Coast, and most likely teal is there color!
Dany Heatley: Dude! That's brilliant! Wait what's a West Coast? They make that?
Dany Heatley: Oh it's just the other side of the country. Apparently people play hockey there, but I don't believe it.
Dany Heatley: Oh... hey that sounds like a good idea I suppose.
Dany Heatley: How are we going to make this happen?
Dany Heatley: I wonder...
Both Dany Heatley's at the same time: DEMAND A TRADE!!
Dany Heatley: Privately though right?
Dany Heatley: Most definitely.

Somewhere in Canada. Dany Heatley with Bryan Murray:

Dany Heatley: Hey whats up.
Bryan Murray: Not much. you?
Dany Heatley: Nothing really. The end of the season bores me. I've just been playing golf and stuff. I think I'm going to demand a trade.
Bryan Murray: Aw sweet! That's great. No one here likes you! OMG OMG OMG this is so great you want to leave.
Dany Heatley: Thanks?
Bryan Murray: Alright I'll go ask around too see if I could work a trade.
Dany Heatley: Okay, get back to me.
Bryan Murray: Oh yeah I'm going to accidentally have some leak this news so everyone hates you.
Dany Heatley: You mean hate me even more because I awesome right?
Bryan Murray: Er... yeah.

Somewhere in the Western Hemisphere Doug Wilson and Bryan Murray

Bryan Murray: Want that Dany Heaterly guy??
Doug Wilson: Sure why not. I'll buy low.
Bryan Murray: Okay I want Marleau, Setoguchi, and a first rounder
Doug Wilson: Is it fine if I give you a Michalek, Cheechoo, and a second rounder?
Bryan Murray: Sure whatevs. Dany Heatley isn't going to be on the Sens anymore!
Doug Wilson: Wait whys that a good thing? I hear he's okay at hockey.
Bryan Murray: He's a locker room cancer. He makes the team worse!
Doug Wilson: OK you believe that...

Dany Heatley enters... where ever they are

Bryan Murray: So uh yeah. Dany you're going to play for that one west coast team.
Dany Heatley: Wait what seriously? I wonder what that's going to be like.
Doug Wilson: Hey broski! Dude the San Jose Sharks are totally rad man. After every game we melt the ice and go surfing. It so sunny man. We have to like wear sunglasses all the time because it's so sunny. Even during games. Also there are tanning beds we don't need but use them anyway.
Dany Heatley: Sounds nice, eh?
Doug Wilson: Yeah man totally. Also some guy named Joe Thornton plays here. He's pretty good.
Dany Heatley: But not as good as me right?
Doug Wilson: Hey man I don't know. He's really good.
Dany Heatley: I don't know about that trade then...

Bryan Murray pulls Doug Wilson aside

Bryan Murray: DOUGIE! What the hell are you doing!
Doug Wilson: Telling it like it is.
Bryan Murray: Well stop. Dany wants to know he's the best.

Dany Heatley rejoins in

Doug Wilson: So what I was saying is Joe Thornton sucks really bad. You're the best on the team.
Dany Heatley: Really? I think I like this trade. HELLO... city? wait where's this team?
Doug Wilson: San Jose. It's in Calif- nevermind. Wait before you leave man, I need you to do one thing.
Dany Heatley: What? It better not involve backchecking.
Doug Wilson: No not really. Just play really good hockey.
Dany Heatley: Okay I will because I'm Dany Fucking Heatley.

Disclaimer: This conversation never happened (in real life).